*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
God has abandoned us.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.