When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”