Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.