Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once