It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
This rocks
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.