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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Omg 🤣
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]