Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.