I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’m Sold!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?