[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.