I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope