Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
A friend sent me this.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.