Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??