In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
You Might Also Like
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
2023 was just a warmup
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Canadian owl: Eh?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.