It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”