[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I wish this was real life…
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
“our sushi is very fresh”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.