Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
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Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.