Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
the best thing i’ve ever made
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My favorite type of men is ramen.