“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya