*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You Might Also Like
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat