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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.