Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
whatcha thinkin bout
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The happy life.. 😊
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do