*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.