Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”