ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room