I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.