MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
LOOOOOOL
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans