Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”