The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
You Might Also Like
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend