Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.