Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu