I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I just love that new Pope smell.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works