Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Why are bridges so flammable.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.