(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark