What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The first one, obviously
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Social Media and Real life
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor