Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
You Might Also Like
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
A dad and his duck
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted