“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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Every. Damn. Time.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
WTF IS THAT!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.