Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
mom gave me mine for free
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.