karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked