I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
just got my engagement photos
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.