People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait