Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.