A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!