My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Need this in my life lol
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️