i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones