Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents