My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
This is my emotional support knife.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.