I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
#MeanwhileinCanada
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.