My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.