Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
He’s cranky this morning
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.