[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.